Panties Or No Panties?…This Is The Question

Yes, this is a relevant question!  How dare you think otherwise?!  Of course, this isn’t going to end world hunger or unite the Church or even make your mother-in-law tolerable; but it will set in motion a beautiful evolutionary cycle involving selfless acts of kindness.

Too far? Au contraire, my hard-boiled friends.

This process of evolvement begins with a single benevolent deed. That deed can be, if you so choose, not wearing panties. (Otherwise, you could just pay for the lonely chap’s meal behind you in the fast-food queue. But that would have very altered consequences completely irrelevant to our cause here…albeit, very generous indeed….moving on….)

Today, as you carried on the torch of life, did it occur to you at all to spice up your love life with an “out of your box” scheme? Some notion so avant-garde that it will be sure to shock your man into “buck in rut” mode. Yes? No? Ah, well it doesn’t really matter. I’m here to aide in this by giving you your unconventional idea.

Ditch the panties.

Do they really have a germane point anyway?

It’s a liberating feeling, ladies. However, I must preface the panty ditching with the none-too-obvious warning of: Please be sure to wax, shave, pluck, Nair (Does anybody use that anymore? Did anyone ever use it??) or whatever it is you do.

Warning: Proceed no further without the pubic hair removal taken care of. Thank you.

This small, yet significant deed will, most assuredly, begin a movement that will change the world. I did just watch the documentary film I AM by Tom Shadyac…hence my waxing deep and sentimental. Proof positive that it is completely true! Besides, everyone knows Newton’s Law. Even your provocative act of skipping the panties will have an equally forceful (Oh that just turned me on a little bit…force it baby… mmmm) reaction that will set in motion a positive chain of events because your man will be pleasantly shocked and oh so very satiated. Which in turn will mean that he goes to work in a chipper mood…which means no road rage taken out on the helpless foreigner…the boss man will notice the good cheer and note the positive work ethic resulting in an eventual pay raise… he’ll buy lunch for all his less satisfied male counterparts…flee work early because he finished everything and come home with a bouquet of flowers resulting in yet again, a night of amazing sex, forming a gorgeously happy day for tomorrow…..

I know. It’s pushing it a bit…but work with me…this is science, people.

Of course, you’ve heard of the chaos theory, or better known as the butterfly effect. It is the science of surprises; the expectation of the unexpected. A butterfly flaps its wings in the Amazonian jungle, and subsequently a storm ravages half of Europe. See? It’s science. Your sexy kind-hearted gesture will be the flapping of the butterfly’s wings. How beautiful is that??

Just do it. Be sinful and take them off for a day at least. I do it all the time and it makes you feel instantly and easily accessible. Just make sure he knows by text or a cute little show of their absence before he goes to work. Wear a dress and I will almost bet the farm that he will take you to dinner and then to Spankytown. (Where I visit as often as I can…they even have a happy hour!)

He will love it! All the while, you can sit back and relish the thought that you are a humanitarian at heart and actually contributing to global happiness. Good for you.

Sincerely,
She💋

A Little Candlelight, A Little Dress, And A Little Chicken

Ahhhh! Remember those days? Frolicking on the beach…running…hands held tight…the sun beating down on your love. Yes, both of you adorned in snow white garments…fireworks splitting the night air when you kiss…cherubim and seraphim serenading the union of two hearts into one.

Yeah, okay, so maybe not. Seriously, what guy do you know that would be caught dead in something like that? Better yet, what woman do you know that would be caught dead with a guy that would wear something like that? What is it anyway? Is it a freakin’ jumpsuit? And do people really do that?…hold hands and frolic on the beach?! Okay…maybe I am jealous they got to frolic on the beach!…so what?

Anyway, my point is that maybe you don’t have the romance in your relationship that you used to have. And for all you men out there…(I won’t say you might be a redneck if!)…no, boys, romance has nothing to do with: 1) saving a bottle of your favorite beer just for her! 2) thanking her for getting the stains out of your favorite underwear! 3) taking her out on a date to Napa (And I don’t mean the valley!). 4) waiting for her birthday to come around to buy her that snazzy new microwave ya’ll needed. 5) Oh, and guys, putting the toilet seat down, taking the trash out, and carrying the groceries (ALL the groceries, no, don’t even let her carry the toilet paper)..these are not romantic…that shit is obligatory and not a romantic gesture.

So, this is what it looks like now? (Far cry from the frolickers!)

What is my solution, you ask? Well, a little candlelight, a little dress, and a little chicken. Granted, this will not solve all your problems, but it’s a step in the right direction!

Girls, girls, girls! You can’t expect him to understand what you need all the time. (Or like ever!) So, let’s romance him a bit with a candlelight dinner. If you have children then find a babysitter and break out the china. (No, not the Chinet brand paper plates..the china.) Find a tablecloth and a couple of candles for the table. Don’t forget a small centerpiece for the center of your table. Now, break out the Marvin Gaye and “get it on!”. (Not too loud…this ain’t a bar.) Find that tiny tight dress that makes him go wild. If you’re like me…I would get dressed before making the chicken and just throw on an apron…although sometimes I end up smelling like meat…which he’s told me is sexy…???…that’s a whole different subject! But if you are accident prone-do all your makeup and hair, then throw on your dress at the last minute before he gets home.

Okay, tighten up those apron strings and let’s get cookin’! Introducing my awesome recipe of Chicken Breasts with Mushroom Sage Sauce!

(This is 4 servings, because if your husband is anything like mine, he’ll eat the 3 servings to your 1! Love a man that can eat!!)

3 tbsp butter

1/2 cup shallots, chopped

8-10 oz shittake or cremini mushrooms, sliced

1 tsp fresh parsley

1 cup dry white wine (Make sure you get one you like. I suggest Sauvignon Blanc. I love cooking with wine…sometimes I actually have some left to put in my food, but this is rare so I would definitely buy two bottles. One for yourself, my chickie, and one for the actual recipe!)

2/3 cup heavy whipping cream

3 tbsp chopped sage…(I have an herb garden right in my kitchen window…which I highly suggest. So easily accessible.)

1 tbsp olive oil

1 1/2 lbs skinless, boneless chicken breasts-pounded to 1/3 or 1/4 inch. (The pounding is a great stress reliever so pound away babe!)

Melt butter on med-high in skillet-add shallots, cook 1 min. Add mushrooms and parsley-saute 5-10 min. Deglaze with the cup of wine. (Whatever’s left anyway! Did you drink most of it?! Good for you! He’s definitely gettin’ lucky tonight then! I know that’s what happens when I drink red wine…or margaritas or cranberry vodkas or whiskey sours…any type of alcoholic beverage I consume actually will make my clothes come off….)

Stir in cream. Bring to boil. Cook down 10 min till the sauce coats the back of your spoon. (Yes, go ahead and lick the back of the spoon…)

While reducing the sauce, in oil-saute chicken in a different pan-cook 3 min each side or until done. Stir sage into sauce. Taste it, always. Pour over chicken. Taste it again…just for fun…yes, this is how I have those extra poundages. But only an expert chef will continuously taste their dish…so this is actually professional advice!😜

Serve with mashed potatoes and green beans or bowtie pasta and a salad… depending, of course, on what type of dude he is…. completely separate blog post….anyhoo….

Just think, this could be you tonight.

Sincerely,
She💋

Every Girl Needs An Apron.

Red or pink, long or short, modern or vintage, (Go for the short, red, vintage.  I like polka dots, ruffles, and bows on mine.) every girl needs an apron. There’s just no arguing this point. Ask any man (Notice I said man…mm-hmm.) and he will tell you they are sexy.

There’s just something about a woman in an apron. Sure, maybe it feeds their need for a hot french maid sort of look (I AM french, you know💋….well partially anyway.  Everyone is a little Irish.  Boy, they sure “got around”…if ya know what I mean. Right, my Irish hubs?).  Maybe it is because you are cooking at the time, which we all know hits at the heart of every man.  I think males like it because there is an obvious submission look to it. I say “look” because I think I’ve knocked him on his bald head more while wearing an apron than I ever have while not wearing an apron…which could be construed as slightly unsubmissive. (Don’t look at me that way!  He deserved it!)  So, while there is a submissive look outwardly, there is definitely still quite a bit of naughtiness inwardly.  (Yes, I can be a tad feisty.  Just keepin’ it real, folks.)

That is neither here, nor there. What is here and there…is that aprons are cute. They are old-school retro from what many term: the greatest generation. They compliment your shape and make any outfit sexier. Plus, they make you feel like baking a pie. Yes, ladies, you actually have to go and bake the pie or you’re just gonna look cute. There’s nothing wrong with looking cute, but if you look cute AND you made a pie…win-win.  If you are inexperienced at pie making, toss a comment my way and I’ll help you out.  (You could always go buy one and pretend you made it….I’m guessing that wouldn’t go over as well.  You could just plan it perfectly and be removing it from the oven at just the right time…while bending over, of course;).)

It is, most assuredly, due course of being a retrosexual woman. It is about finding who we are as women again. You know, back when men were men and women were women.

(Okay, is that not absolutely darling?!)

So, go out and buy an apron. You will thank me and he will really thank me.

My Tip: Try wearing only the apron….Seriously, you want ravished like a T-bone in front of a starving man?  Then, send the young’uns away for the evening and cook him a romantic dinner with nothing on but an apron.  You may never finish it…but there’s always Chinese takeout.

Sincerely,
She💋