She goes on as if nothing is different. Each day is a new day, but not to her. To her, the days run together as if in a blur of time spent without consent. Who could stop it now? Everyone is so close. How can they be so close, yet never see her? Do they want to see? She lost sense of everything. Was it all in one fell swoop or a series of events? Her heart cries to be seen…just once. Yet lost in a chaos of hopelessness, she doesn’t dare let down its guard. One more time that hope is deferred, would be her bitter end. For her shoulders hold past their capable weight as of now. She knows to tow the line and say the words and smile through the pain.
But someday, someone will see her.
He can’t seem to put it down. His struggle has become his identity. He sees it, feels its twitch of control, hears it as if a lifesong playing without an end. Will he ever be able to live without it? Get up and know joy? Open a door and lay the struggles down? Close it and move on? Is there light where there was only darkness before? He knows his is a coping mechanism inherent in his life from too far back to remember. He lives to drink. He knows beyond that…there is dealing with what has happened. If he puts it down, what must he pick up? He knows he can’t ever let that happen.
But someday, he must take pride in himself again.
She sits alone, again. Well, not alone in the technical sense. Alone as emotionally unfulfilled and yearning for someone…while with someone. She needs so many unspoken things. Will she ever feel again? God knows, she shut off her heart, hoping that she would grow numb and nothing would matter anymore. To feel was to hurt. So not to feel was bliss. Could she get up and do this again tomorrow? Sure. Is that what strength looks like? Survival? When does that run out? Longing still, always, her heart betrays her again. The ache is too much to bear. Will she ever not be lonely? She knows hers is a sentence she must live out.
But someday, her heart will find fulfillment again.
He drags his other leg off the bar stool and wonders why. Was he not enough? Was his attempts at loving her of no comparison? He tried. He gave her everything he had. He knew he wasn’t perfect, but he did what he could to please her. What went wrong? And why? When did she decide she didn’t want him? He knows he can’t get the answers. But he couldn’t help ask the questions. His heart would heal in time. He hoped. He missed her. He didn’t want a life without her. Why was his love not good enough? Why doesn’t she love him? Did she ever? He knows he cannot cope with her gone. He will let anger take over now. And he will never love again. Only invest in lust and sex. Never love…never again.
But someday, he will find her and let himself love again.