That’s right. I said it. Fuck your missionary. You want me to say it again? No, I don’t mean go out and fuck a missionary. If you have your own missionary…by all means..fuck away. However, I don’t want to fuck your missionary. Wow, that got out of hand real fast… Before you get your panties in a wad, I am referring to the missionary position, not anything related to the God-fearing little Christ midgets in the jungles with the cannibals.
I try to understand, really I do, this sex position called missionary. The graceful and bewitching way their bodies move in sync with one another. The gentle whispering of their hearts together as one. How magnificently and elegantly they glide back and forth, in and out, as if in perfect accord that only a form of divinity could create.
Yeah, not so much.
Now, this article is not for the faint of heart. If you are at all that sickly sweet, hopelessly pathetic man that enjoys staring into her eyes like she is the be all and end all of your existence while calmly “grinding the corn” and ignoring that she even has the ability to orgasm…this is not for you so let’s conclude here. Goodbye.
In actuality, most of what this said position will create is a state of comatose from hell. I know many people use missionary as their exclusive go to sex experience. Well, good for you. I don’t care if it’s Kneeling Missionary or Assistant Missionary or even orgy with a fucking pack of missionaries, as magical and ethereal as it seems; I say leave missionary to the fucking missionaries. Let these so well-behaved and self-controlled ladies and gents enjoy their sweet time (well…moment…) of coupling.
See? Isn’t he nice? He looks like he might be into the missionary position…maybe we should ask his wife….if he still has one!
In very short defense of missionary position, I have had a few exceptions where he was kissing and my ear and neck were involved…okay…done. I said it would be a short defense. So, as fun as it is, we will have sex this particularly boring way, maybe twice a year…it’s just too damn nice! I could be experiencing a rotten plethora of emotional turmoil from a downright horrible day and do you think I want NICE? Your children have been rotten midgets all day and you want me to get excited because you’re humping me as if we’re wet behind the ears and back in high school?? My mother called to express her desire for regaining complete control over my life at the precise moment the dog you decided to get just relieved himself on the brand new rug I enjoyed for a mere three days…and your geniusness expresses itself in the pathetic and monotonous movements that might as well scream, “Hey, we only believe in the pure and holy gift of procreation being the sole purpose of intercourse, not for any type of worldly pleasure resulting from the sinful desires we can be led astray to follow.” In other words, God forbid you enjoy yourself, orgasm several times and get downright anal dirty…too much? (Try it, it’s awesome… especially when he covers your mouth and calls you a Puritan whore…no?…just me then.)
Who needs selfish, unbridled passion to overcome all thoughts and lose every inhibition? Nah. We’ll just go gentle and nice so one of us cums (Take a wild goat guess as to who.) and then it will be over real quick like and we can be on our merry, godly way. My greatest need at the end of the day (Actually…this need seems to pop up at various intervals throughout the day…but that’s neither here nor there…) is losing myself in passion so intense that I am led into a transformational experience. Make me forget about all others in my life except for you. Close me in until it’s just us and take me somewhere far from the monotony of daily life. Cause me to cross over to the place of no inhibitions…then inquire as to how my day transpired. It will be a very different story.
I just cannot stomach this unoriginal and elementary position. I don’t want to be staring awkwardly at your squinting face as you huff and puff, all while you forget my very existence or the fact that I would like to have an orgasm! I know, just buy a fuck me doll for yourself and I’ll go alphabetize my dessert recipes. What I want is to be treated as if you paid a very pretty penny for me and you are taking your money’s worth. I need to be led by you to such a degree of ecstasy that I legitimately question your morality. We can’t reach this climactic threshold in the missionary position per se.
There are hundreds of sexual positions you can experiment with, so why would you settle for the most boring one every single night?…(please tell me it’s every night and not once a week!?). Where’s the passionate experimentation vs the rut, rut, rut? Can we evolve to something beyond animal mating and baby making to a real and stimulating adventure? A highly satisfying sexual experience that is unique every night?
There is even a young couple that boasts having already explored over 400 variations of sexual positions…and you’re telling me you like ONE?? C’mon prudey people…branch out for fuck’s sake!! (Pun completely intended and hilarious as usual…thank you.)
How many positions and techniques are there, exactly? Well, the Kama Sutra gives 64 base positions that can be easily adapted to suit your wide range of kink (maybe that’s not altogether true..they can be tricky little suckers to emulate…). There are many resources out there to keep your sex life very very interesting.
Some of my favorites (I have many more but I don’t have a book, which is how long it would be because I am a nympho, okay? ) which most of you know and love, in no particular order, include:
The Butter Churner
This one is a tricky son of a bitch but worth the effort because it’s uncomfortable but in a good orgasmic sort of way… He is in control and I am so not…which I like. This is gonna get a lot harder and way more interesting if you’re over 30….just sayin’.
The Deep Stick
I’m sure ya’ll have tried this one. I like it because it enables his big cock to get in there real deep and bruise that cervix while making your orgasms so good your squirt hits the wall…true story, my friends, true story…
Oh, me likey. The reasons I like this position is for one: I can make him edge as long as I want and he can’t do shit about it…well, that’s not entirely true, but you get the point. Two: It is awesome for hitting your deep spot. Three: He is in perfect position to watch my bubble booty grind his cock while spanking it…hard.
The Man Chair
This is better than Reverse Cowboy if you like riding him because you get a lot of leverage for cock riding. For this one it is imperative that you have footing so you can maneuver up and down and sideways and all around town, etc. Not sideways… that’d be weird. This one is also awesome for the deep spot…I seem to have a recurring theme here with the deep spot…
The Standing Dragon
What shall I say of this one? Deep, immediate orgasms, hair pulling availability and spanking range…plus I love the feeling of a manly man behind me.
The Bee’s Knees
This just makes me feel servile and I love that he can watch my every move with his hand on the back of my head…just in case he wants to shove it in more…choking me…making my eyes water…then shooting his load all over my face and hair…I know, naughty, right??
And of course the old but never worn, good old-fashioned 69
I like to be pleasuring while being pleasured. The taste of him turns me on while he is tasting me. This is perfect for deep throating, also. It allows the natural curve of the cock to easily slip down your throat resulting in less gagging reflex…but still just enough that he gets turned on by your gagging noises. You know how he likes that.
Fun fact: I actually read an article on kinky sexual positions and a warning to those that attempt them… seriously…a warning! Are you not enough of an imbecile that you have to go and write on the dangerous effects of anything deemed by the morality police less than religiously safe?? The warning was: Please refrain from using any of these positions as it may result in bodily harm. Okay, someone put them out of their misery. Hello? I WANT bodily harm…I seek that shit out! I don’t want to be able to walk the next day! Bodily harm…yes, please and thank you.
Men, so do your lover a favor and get educated…please. Let’s put missionary back in his little shelf in Sunday school where he belongs and experience out of our box. Your newfound sex education will be the arsenal of weapons you use to keep your woman coming back for more and more. Think of the benefits to your libido! The pizzazz to your penis! Stop being lame asses and increase your knowledge so she doesn’t leave Mr. Nice Guy for Dr. Feel Good 400 Ways.
Now someone thank me for being awesome.